Benjamin Dolezal: Fiction/ Roast

Hello.  I’m Ben's older brother Matt.  As an introduction and disclaimer, I’d like you all to be aware that I have written and performed monologues for my two other younger brothers during their respective high school graduation parties, and those speeches were based on the theme "Fiction/ Roast".  Anyone who knows me well knows how much I value tradition.  Therefore, I have attempted to construct this narrative in a format and style as true to the originals as possible, as though this were the third installment in a trilogy.

            In good conscience, I feel I must be perfectly honest on one subject:  Unlike his two older brothers Adam and Luke, Benjamin did not work for the CIA.  He did, however, hold a brief desk job at the FBI, until he was put on probation and later fired for taking J. Edgar Hoover's name in vain.  But that’s neither here nor there. 

            Let’s just start at the beginning.  The year was 1994.  On January 1^st, president Clinton passed the North American Free Trade Agreement, eventually resulting in a net loss of more than 600,000 American jobs.  In April, one Kurt Cobain, front-man of the popular rock band Nirvana, was found dead with an apparent self-inflicted gun shot wound.  In June, Microsoft announced it would no longer sell or support the MS-DOS operating system apart from Microsoft Windows.  Indeed, the year seemed rather dark and bleak, until, on August 11^th, a precious ray of sunshine was bestowed upon the unsuspecting city of Appleton, Wisconsin.  Its name was Benjamin Michael Dolezal.

            This vaguely humanoid entity quickly evolved into an enthusiastic ball of soft flesh, whose endearingly flamboyant lisp put his sexual orientation in jeopardy for years to come.  Since the amalgam of his anatomy constituted a loosely spherical form, Ben was quite the tough and durable little runt, and wasn't afraid to get rowdy with his older siblings.  Declassified video evidence has depicted Benjamin and I engaging in various forms of tomfoolery, most of which were incidents of me either throwing pillows at Ben or Ben at pillows.  During such games, this eager little rascal would squeal with glee, like a naive pig awaiting slaughter.  Ben's tolerance for pain still amazes me, and to this day I only recall him crying on two occasions, neither of which resulted from physical injury (unless you count his broken heart of 2008).

            In addition to invincibility, another quality Ben developed during his formative years was a capacity for eccentric storytelling.  This skill was largely inspired by the "half an hour movies" he would avidly watch as a young lad.  At age 3, Ben gave a lecture on the socio-political implications and gender-role issues of the 1939 film "The Wizard of Oz".  The talk became one of the most cited sources in graduate dissertations nationwide.  Ben later became a brilliant purveyor of prose, and is now a dedicated connoisseur of history.

            Today, Ben’s myriad interests include art, woodworking, reading, writing, history, video games, music, and god only knows what else.  He even taught me how to play guitar, which really paid off when our hit single “Emiliano Zapata” climbed to the top of the Mexican pop charts.

            Of course, young men around the world have come to envy the Renaissance Man Benjamin has become, but there is a lesser-known detrimental side to such vast personal enlightenment – namely, Ben occasionally lacks awareness of his surroundings.  Due to an overload of obligations, passions, hobbies, and daydreams, Ben is seldom aware of the current year, much less the month or day of the week in which he resides at any given moment.  It also goes without saying that he, in many cases, is clueless regarding what to eat, when to eat, how to prepare something to eat, and most of all, when to stop eating.

But these irrelevant facts have no place in the world of a genius.  For the world of Benjamin is filled with vivid colors racing together in enigmatic equilibrium.  It is alive with howling hoodlums, hairy hobbits, and hallowed hallways of history.  It is pulsing with catchy drum-beats, radiant organ riffs, and nostalgic folk tunes.  Benjamin’s world is a world beyond ours because it is an irresistible product of his uniquely innovative mind and his courageous spirit.

       As Benjamin is released into the wild for the first time, I’d just like to say, on behalf of everyone here, we wish you the best of luck, Ben, and we are honored to be part of your world.  Thank you.