Wednesday, September 29, 2010

A Modest Abortion

As many of my beloved readers are aware, abortion is the most controversial topic ever, in the history of the World.  However, I have devised a solution that could potentially unite those deemed "pro-life" and "pro-choice", respectively.  As evidenced by the following text, this astute remedy is the most fair compromise imaginable, for it takes into consideration the “rights” and the emotions of each fetus, each mother-to-be (or mother-on-the-fence), and each vigorous onlooker, who, in many cases, happens to be a male without any prior, present, or possible future personal experience with pregnancy or childbirth, yet brandishes vehement opinions regarding the actions members of the fairer sex ought to take in an instance of said phenomena.
            Myriad reasons may be cited when a subject considers abortion, but in many cases, the subject, though choosing to engage in sexual activity, did not choose to become pregnant.  The microscopic unit gleefully tingling in her uterus is therefore an “unwanted growth”.  In other cases of unwanted growths, we, as a reasonable and libertarian society, allow carriers to rid themselves of their infestation.  After all, is a carrier fully to blame for this new plot development?  Should we force this striking young damsel to forever live with the result of her naivety?  If so, we should also force lung cancer patients to keep their tumors, if they had a history of tobacco use, and force women to keep their warts if they had a history of toad-kissing.  In the case of the smoker, there may have been a single cigarette that broke the camel’s back, so to speak.  In the case of the lonely princess, there may have been a deceptive bribe or a strange delusion.  In the most unfortunate case of the tragically gestating female, there may have been one too many sperm cells in that fateful load - one translucent renegade serpent had deviated from the herd, and thrust himself toward the glowing abyss, like an eager Islamic extremist quickly approaching the Holy City of Virgin Concubines.  This tenacious fellow, and many like him, have sacrificed themselves for the “good of the cause” - the initiation of an undesired expansion in an unwitting vessel.  Following the model set forth by Lady Liberty, we must allow the subject, in such an instance, to choose if (and when) she wants to basically "kick the growth out" – especially if it has not been paying rent.
            At this juncture, we seem to be faced with what non-nihilists refer to as a “moral dilemma”, since the growth has the potential to become a “human being”.  One (an advocate of “life”) may object to the aforementioned policy, but I must assure him/her that it is not as sinister as it sounds.  The growth’s very existence is not to be opposed, simply its presence within the host.  Extinguishing the growth’s life is not necessary – but its removal from the carrier’s reproductive Mecca is.  Thus, labor would be induced in a harmless fashion, at whatever time the host decides to part with her invader.
            Following its departure, the former tenant would be given access to food, shelter, health care – essentially all conditions necessary to sustain life.  The growth has thus been freed, and would be afforded the opportunity to choose its own destiny.  This could be tough for a fetus who is let go during, say, its thirteenth week, when it has determined its gender identity, but cannot yet swallow.  Figuring out how to consume the available nourishment may be challenging in this case.  On the other hand, if the carrier decides to part ways with said inconvenient bulge after six or seven months, there is a high likelihood that the growth will survive, independent of the former host (who would then be referred to as the "mother").  Such a birth-giver would realize that procrastination is not only the infamous Thief of Time, but it can also result in unspeakable responsibilities, including the upkeep of a voracious, ever-growing fleshy alarm clock.

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