Grandpa Vern is a legend. He has sprinted faster than a deer, won several prestigious awards for his outstanding journalism, and once killed a deadly gorilla with his bare hands. Or did he kill a bear with his deadly gorilla hands? The act was conducted too quickly to tell. In any case, Vern also served an unspecified country bravely as a Kamikaze pilot during World War II. He has been around this world, and back. At ninety-nine years young, Grandpa Vern is still kicking, and despite witnessing innumerable nerve-wracking sporting events, his tell tale heart is still ticking.
Regardless of Grandpa Vern’s breathtaking history of mind-boggling accomplishments, he is really just a simple man who loves and cares for his family, his community, antique cars, and the meticulous documentation of trivial occurrences on his calendar, year after year. But the vortex of Vern’s legacy can be found in the countless gifts, vast and subtle, that he has bestowed upon his naïve kinfolk. Now, everyone knows that Grandpa Vern has graciously made charitable contributions to the empty pockets of his grandchildren for decades, but let’s examine the inception of this compelling tale. First, Mr. Vernon J. Cahak gave one Sally Lindsay the gift of his hand in marriage. After several under-the-table deals with The Stork, Vernon gave the gift of Life – three lovely children, who each stopped crying at night when given a pacifier dipped in whiskey. Through these initially offspring, a batch of an additional 9 grandchildren later sprang forth, and so far, an additional great-grandchild has shown his bright little face. You might think Vern had little or nothing to do with these seemingly isolated incidents of procreation, but think again. Vern’s benevolent yet regulatory hand was guiding this process, as he kindly passed the gift of favorable genes on to each of his grandchildren.
Yes, superior genetic makeup is but one of the many wonderful gifts Vernon has given. These specific biological mechanisms have allowed enhanced athletic abilities, impressive writing skills, patience, understanding, eloquence, humility, a good sense of humor, or simply exhibiting symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder. In rare cases, such as my own, a descendent might end up with all of said dominant traits (perhaps excluding one). However, these genes may lay dormant, and may require the powerful presence of their almighty founder in order to be expressed. Vern’s presence, which includes exposure to his uncanny wit and wisdom, allows several units of his deeply poetic phrases, peppered with his patented profanity, to be absorbed directly into the bloodstream. As you may have noticed by the diction and flow of this piece of literature, I have been in Vernon’s presence quite a few times over the last 27 years. You might also be interested to know that, because of this stalwart grandfather, I was, at one point in my career, that fastest kid in elementary school. I went on to play on the little league all-star team, and became one of the top sprinters and long-jumpers in track and field. Again, relating to Vernonesque genes, I kept several journals when I was a child, and I have been periodically updating a personal narrative that mainly chronicles my college experience in Milwaukee. This Microsoft Word document is now 90 pages in length, and none of you will ever read it.
When engaging in the writing process, my aim is to entertain. But this is a serious matter! Grandpa Vern is the reigning patriarch – the king of this family, and he deserves some respect. He is the best father my mom has ever had, and he is my favorite grandfather on my mom’s side of the family. Not only that, but he is a model, an archetype for all future grandfathers around the world. Yes, even Oriental and Colored grandfathers. He is the quintessential grandfather. Grandpa Vern’s stealth and cunning, though notable, are no match for the community involvement, goodwill, hard work, love, care, and kindness he exhibits on a daily basis. Though often referred to as “Grandpa Vern”, Mr. Cahak has recently earned the prestigious title “Great Grandpa Vern”, mainly due to his evident greatness. This Man among men has provided infinite inspiration to all of us, and we love him dearly. Grandpa Vern is a true American hero. In a lively chant, I must declare, “Ninety-nine more years! Ninety-nine more years!”